The Settlement

Memories and dreams,

We’ll take half a share of each.

Though I don’t want that sunny day

When you proposed on Brighton Beach.

The first time you said you loved me,

You can have that too and all.

‘Cause after this is over,

I won’t need love anymore.

You’ll be paying compensation

For the breaking of my heart.

You didn’t need to cheat to let me know

That we were better off apart.

I’ll have the kids for five days

And you can have them for two.

I’ll even throw in Friday night

If that’s not enough for you.

I’ve melted down my wedding ring

Into a beautiful diamond set.

On and by the way our holiday home,

Well I’ve put it up for rent.

Your precious antique sofa,

I’ve ripped that right in two.

Though if I’m being honest

I much preferred the one in blue.

Your DVD collection

Was too big for Royal Mail.

But don’t worry you can get them back

At the Church’s car-boot sale.

I put all your clothes in boxes

And left them at the front door.

Though I have to say I did feel bad,

When the rain began to pour.

Well I think this settles everything,

I’m happy to leave it at that.

There’s one last thing I’d like to say...

You’re an absolute twat!